Another day just passed, another day on the project. Every day is the same and I do not recall when did it start.
The first thing I do when I wake up is switching on my computer to check if anybody contacted me and expecting something interesting to happen. Every day same disappointment. I take my breakfast watching TV-shows, thinking how much the character's lives are so much more exciting than mine.
I need to go to library and do my project. On the way, taking a sandwich every time at the same place. The cashiers must think I must be a bland student too lazy to make his own sandwich. On the streets, people walk fast and seems busy, having an exciting lives, something to pursue. Always people trying to give you their magazines, that I always try to politely refused. The underground is always an interesting place. Once you enter it, people faces shut down and most keep quiet while on the tube. Nobody wants to talk to each other, everybody trying to keep his own little privacy. I observe always this with amusement.
In the library, sitting down in front of a computer, it seems my life is surrounded by computers all the time. I quickly look if anyone contacted me while on the way to library, reading the news and then start doing the research, programming. Every day same frustration, trial and errors is part of the research. Always need to rethink about the program, about my understanding of the mathematical concepts. Sometimes checking if anything new in my contact, but always the same disappointment, a disappointment worst than the one of the research. This continue until the library close.
Time for dinner, my only time of creativity where I cook what I want and experiment what I like , have seen or eaten before. After studying the papers and finishing my dinner, I go to the gym for an hour and a half. The only time I do not think about my miserable condition.
As you can see, at no point in the day have I interacted with anyone and opened my mouth at all. Sometimes this can last for several days. The project keeps me from doing things and it is a terrible feeling. I have become a ghost, no one would want to interact with a ghost...
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Friday, 20 August 2010
Places I like to eat in London
Here are several places I that I have discovered this year in London. The following list is in order.
- Red Sun (2A New Quebec Street Mayfair, London W1H 7RD), home-made food from Shanghai. Small cosy place, very tasty.
- C&R Cafe Restaurant (3-4 Rupert Court, London, W1D 6DY), Malaysian cafe restaurant. Quite liked their roti and lahksa. It may look dodgy, but the food is tasty but not too spicy (unfortunately). Relatively cheap and big portion
- The Old Place (Liverpool Street), Chinese restaurant which serves big portion tasty dishes and for cheap prices.
- Royal China Club (Baker Street), I very liked the dim sum there. I tried the dinner there and it was not too good, with the food coming cold.
- Ah-King Cafe Noodles (Bloomsbury). Very good restaurant, cosy and fresh. I liked their noodles with beef and the wonton soup. They give a free home made soup of carrots, leaves.
-Hi Sushi (camden town, leicester square), very good sushi buffet
- Hiroba (Holborn), very good sushi and other good japanese dishes
- Asadal (Holborn), Very tasty and exquisite Korean restaurant, a bit expensive though.
-The Bamboo House (Shepherd Bush), Very good hotpot, unlimited food and drinks, very spicy but delicious.
- Hare and Tortoise (Bloomsbury), It's like a Wagamama, but with higher standard of food, bigger portion , better taste and cheaper prices.
- Chiquito, mexican place near the O2. Very good and very cheap. I really liked their starters.
- Mugen, Japanese Restaurant near Monument Station.One of the best japanese restaurant that I have eaten in London. Good price and big portion.
- Tonku, japanese restaurant near picadilly circus. Yummy but a bit pricey.
- Zen China, chinese restaurant near the london eye. Very good view of the thames, the london eye and big ben. The food is very good and delicate as well.
- UME, malaysian food near Bank, it's excellent for lunch. It has quite a lot of chilli but I like spicy food. The portion are quite decent, and it is definitely a must.
- Red Sun (2A New Quebec Street Mayfair, London W1H 7RD), home-made food from Shanghai. Small cosy place, very tasty.
- C&R Cafe Restaurant (3-4 Rupert Court, London, W1D 6DY), Malaysian cafe restaurant. Quite liked their roti and lahksa. It may look dodgy, but the food is tasty but not too spicy (unfortunately). Relatively cheap and big portion
- The Old Place (Liverpool Street), Chinese restaurant which serves big portion tasty dishes and for cheap prices.
- Royal China Club (Baker Street), I very liked the dim sum there. I tried the dinner there and it was not too good, with the food coming cold.
- Ah-King Cafe Noodles (Bloomsbury). Very good restaurant, cosy and fresh. I liked their noodles with beef and the wonton soup. They give a free home made soup of carrots, leaves.
-Hi Sushi (camden town, leicester square), very good sushi buffet
- Hiroba (Holborn), very good sushi and other good japanese dishes
- Asadal (Holborn), Very tasty and exquisite Korean restaurant, a bit expensive though.
-The Bamboo House (Shepherd Bush), Very good hotpot, unlimited food and drinks, very spicy but delicious.
- Hare and Tortoise (Bloomsbury), It's like a Wagamama, but with higher standard of food, bigger portion , better taste and cheaper prices.
- Chiquito, mexican place near the O2. Very good and very cheap. I really liked their starters.
- Mugen, Japanese Restaurant near Monument Station.One of the best japanese restaurant that I have eaten in London. Good price and big portion.
- Tonku, japanese restaurant near picadilly circus. Yummy but a bit pricey.
- Zen China, chinese restaurant near the london eye. Very good view of the thames, the london eye and big ben. The food is very good and delicate as well.
- UME, malaysian food near Bank, it's excellent for lunch. It has quite a lot of chilli but I like spicy food. The portion are quite decent, and it is definitely a must.
"Why? Why we gotta die? I just wanna live forever"
Death is the finality of all of our lives, whether we like it or not. Some are quite happy about the idea of dying, because it can release us from our suffering and pain. Others are desperate and depressed about the idea that one day, we will no more belong to this world.
In my opinion, death is what push us to live and to achieve things. If time was not limited, we will not try to start doing anything of our lives, because most of us will choose the easy way and do nothing. Because there is a start, there is an end. Therefore everybody want to achieve something in their lives, to make it meaningful in many ways. We all want to think that our lives were worth it. So we all try to push ourselves to make things like travelling, meeting people, learning, working etc.
Death is one of the reasons that push us to do things and should not be seen as a fatality but as a reason to live.
In my opinion, death is what push us to live and to achieve things. If time was not limited, we will not try to start doing anything of our lives, because most of us will choose the easy way and do nothing. Because there is a start, there is an end. Therefore everybody want to achieve something in their lives, to make it meaningful in many ways. We all want to think that our lives were worth it. So we all try to push ourselves to make things like travelling, meeting people, learning, working etc.
Death is one of the reasons that push us to do things and should not be seen as a fatality but as a reason to live.
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
My other blog
Here is my other blog, called one night one dream.I will be telling about dreams that happens when I'm asleep.
http://simpledreamzz.blogspot.com/
http://simpledreamzz.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, 13 April 2010
An Ultimate point
I'm preparing myself to enter. Concentrating, and calming down myself, thinking about what should I do and where should I go. My heart is beating fast, the adrenaline is pumping up. Shouts are all around the place, and in the peace of my soul, I believe I can do something on the pitch.
I'm watching by the side my team playing to catch up one point before time ends, to go to sudden death. There are signs of nervousness on both side: dropped discs, uncontrolled throws, uncountable fouls called. My desire to get on the pitch is growing, but I need my team to catch up that one point. Only a few minutes left, and I don't want to leave this tournament without having done something memorable.
All the eyes of our substitutes, including myself, are looking towards our key player. He has saved us from so many situations in previous games. Amazing throws, heroic defence and catching unattainable discs, were the things he did, to name a few. Our eyes are full of hope, all knowing he can create something from nothing. Our hopes are not vain. Turnover in our favour, quick play, a hammer, he catches it in their end zone. Tension's smoothing away, but the game's not finished.
I can't wait to get in, eye contact with one of my partner, check with hand, and we exchange places. He says those words to me in the noise:"Go for it". I'm on the pitch now, in our end zone. Captain's saying his words of encouragement and our strategy on Defence and Offence. We keep it to what we know, nothing complicated , keep it simple and sharp. I'm jumping, moving around, watching my opposite. I have to mark one of their fast guy on the team, always tough in those case, because you know you won't have much time for rest, but a good way to progress in the game. Hands are up, let the point begins.
They're doing vertical stack, I'm trying to stay close to my man. He keeps jumping in place, hard to predict where he's going to go. He fakes me and go deep. I have to catch him up, hopefully, the thrower didn't see him. The opposite team, pass well the disc from one side to another, trying to make break our defense. It's been really hard to predict where my man will go, since he always choose different path, different speed and fakes. Turnover. Our defence on the handler was efficient, and we got the disc. Although I'm very tired after a whole weekend of Ultimate. I still feel like I can run miles and miles. I'm excited to play this point. I can see my man marking me closely, it would be hard to get away from him. I fake down and go forward. Unsuccessful, get back in the stack. I watch what my teammates do, and try not to run in the same way, or offer and continuation run to keep the disc moving. It's hard and tough. We advance well and we're close to the end zone. Then our captain throw one disc, eye contact with me, it's really far, I am far from my man, but it is really hard to reach it. I catch it from the bit of my hand. I think I'm still in, everybody seems happy and shouting. Foul called. They argue I'm out. Everyone is looking at me, it's hard to say, I'm not even sure myself, whether I was in when I caught it. For the benefit of the doubt, I agree with them that I was out. Although still some uncertainty, but I do not want to win like this. I want a good win, I win we can all be proud of. So back again on the field. There has been lot of turnovers, the other team hardly came on our end zone but we hardly managed to control our throws which led to a very long point. It's been 20 min already, and every body on the field is exhausted. No matter what will happen, we will all be winner. This point is clearly epic. Every one tries his best to run as fast as he can, but our legs lack of stamina and our arms are heavy. I've been trying a lot of going under and coming forward cut, but it is hard to go deep, since my marker watches me closely on that cut. It's been hard to mark him because he is very unpredictable as a cutter, hopefully the thrower didn't throw too much when I was beaten.
We now reach the same situation as our missed point, on the foul called. The same unreachable throw at the same area in the end zone, by our captain. He admitted lately that it was quite a crap throw. I see him doing eye contact to me , as I am free from my man. I try to reach it like last time, but try not too get out of the lines. I run as really fast as I can, and feel a bit of a cramp on my right legs. I catch it with only my fingers. Am i out? Am i in? Everybody comes to me, and put me in the air. An immense happiness get all of me. I don't know what to think or what to do. I'm just so excited and so happy. A big congratulation to everyone on the pitch, we finished 17/23 teams. We all felt like winner. I was happy to live this point more than the win itself, because I knew it could have gone either way. But the moment i caught it, is a moment I'll keep it with me.
I'm watching by the side my team playing to catch up one point before time ends, to go to sudden death. There are signs of nervousness on both side: dropped discs, uncontrolled throws, uncountable fouls called. My desire to get on the pitch is growing, but I need my team to catch up that one point. Only a few minutes left, and I don't want to leave this tournament without having done something memorable.
All the eyes of our substitutes, including myself, are looking towards our key player. He has saved us from so many situations in previous games. Amazing throws, heroic defence and catching unattainable discs, were the things he did, to name a few. Our eyes are full of hope, all knowing he can create something from nothing. Our hopes are not vain. Turnover in our favour, quick play, a hammer, he catches it in their end zone. Tension's smoothing away, but the game's not finished.
I can't wait to get in, eye contact with one of my partner, check with hand, and we exchange places. He says those words to me in the noise:"Go for it". I'm on the pitch now, in our end zone. Captain's saying his words of encouragement and our strategy on Defence and Offence. We keep it to what we know, nothing complicated , keep it simple and sharp. I'm jumping, moving around, watching my opposite. I have to mark one of their fast guy on the team, always tough in those case, because you know you won't have much time for rest, but a good way to progress in the game. Hands are up, let the point begins.
They're doing vertical stack, I'm trying to stay close to my man. He keeps jumping in place, hard to predict where he's going to go. He fakes me and go deep. I have to catch him up, hopefully, the thrower didn't see him. The opposite team, pass well the disc from one side to another, trying to make break our defense. It's been really hard to predict where my man will go, since he always choose different path, different speed and fakes. Turnover. Our defence on the handler was efficient, and we got the disc. Although I'm very tired after a whole weekend of Ultimate. I still feel like I can run miles and miles. I'm excited to play this point. I can see my man marking me closely, it would be hard to get away from him. I fake down and go forward. Unsuccessful, get back in the stack. I watch what my teammates do, and try not to run in the same way, or offer and continuation run to keep the disc moving. It's hard and tough. We advance well and we're close to the end zone. Then our captain throw one disc, eye contact with me, it's really far, I am far from my man, but it is really hard to reach it. I catch it from the bit of my hand. I think I'm still in, everybody seems happy and shouting. Foul called. They argue I'm out. Everyone is looking at me, it's hard to say, I'm not even sure myself, whether I was in when I caught it. For the benefit of the doubt, I agree with them that I was out. Although still some uncertainty, but I do not want to win like this. I want a good win, I win we can all be proud of. So back again on the field. There has been lot of turnovers, the other team hardly came on our end zone but we hardly managed to control our throws which led to a very long point. It's been 20 min already, and every body on the field is exhausted. No matter what will happen, we will all be winner. This point is clearly epic. Every one tries his best to run as fast as he can, but our legs lack of stamina and our arms are heavy. I've been trying a lot of going under and coming forward cut, but it is hard to go deep, since my marker watches me closely on that cut. It's been hard to mark him because he is very unpredictable as a cutter, hopefully the thrower didn't throw too much when I was beaten.
We now reach the same situation as our missed point, on the foul called. The same unreachable throw at the same area in the end zone, by our captain. He admitted lately that it was quite a crap throw. I see him doing eye contact to me , as I am free from my man. I try to reach it like last time, but try not too get out of the lines. I run as really fast as I can, and feel a bit of a cramp on my right legs. I catch it with only my fingers. Am i out? Am i in? Everybody comes to me, and put me in the air. An immense happiness get all of me. I don't know what to think or what to do. I'm just so excited and so happy. A big congratulation to everyone on the pitch, we finished 17/23 teams. We all felt like winner. I was happy to live this point more than the win itself, because I knew it could have gone either way. But the moment i caught it, is a moment I'll keep it with me.
Untitled
A poem I wrote a long time ago,and that I just found again, not too bad, when I think back.
A Smile on your opposite,
Not fond about it,
Being betrayed by you,
So poor
Lost under the surface,
Feeling so faithless,
Seeing you there,
Unaware
A stab in the left place,
Once been where the red feel en laced,
Melting like the snow,
Away I blow
In a populated desert,
Alone I prepare,
The end of light,
Goodbye
A Smile on your opposite,
Not fond about it,
Being betrayed by you,
So poor
Lost under the surface,
Feeling so faithless,
Seeing you there,
Unaware
A stab in the left place,
Once been where the red feel en laced,
Melting like the snow,
Away I blow
In a populated desert,
Alone I prepare,
The end of light,
Goodbye
Monday, 15 March 2010
Homeless..
Home (noun): the place where you live or where you feel that you belong....
"I born and grew up in France, my parents are from Mauritius and my origins are back from China." How many times did I repeat this? This is my answer when I'm asked where I am from. It is the best I have found, which let the other person to make his own idea. It is always complicated for me to explain , as myself do not know where to start.
My appearance doesn't match my upbringing, neither does my upbringing match my origins. I feel I'm just like a double bacon cheeseburger with extra pickles and onions , and a touch of spice. I do play with that, saying I'm African, or Asian or French, when I'm all three at once :)
It's always been very hard for me to be integrated, wherever I was. When I was young, I was thinking "why me?" and blaming others, when actually I was more the one to be blamed. I have to admit I didn't try sometimes hard enough, but you don't really want to try so hard , when others doesn't need to. I don't feel 100% one culture or another, so I couldn't really share the same experience with some people who weren't cross cultured. Although you can have some common topics with people, since you know a bit of different culture. That's why most of my best friends are cross cultural kids themselves, because we share the same worries, and the same experience. Some succeeded to overcome it, but most of the times we have the same question of our identity and about ourselves.
To solve this problem, I usually escape and run away from it and go to another country, expecting things would change, expecting that I would feel more integrated. But I do the same mistakes all over again. It's not about others, it's more about myself. If I don't find the peace in myself and accept who I am, then I would always have the feeling of being a reject and an alien.
I know that what I live, nobody else lived it, my life is mine and their lives are theirs. I am different, and this difference makes myself to be me.
"I born and grew up in France, my parents are from Mauritius and my origins are back from China." How many times did I repeat this? This is my answer when I'm asked where I am from. It is the best I have found, which let the other person to make his own idea. It is always complicated for me to explain , as myself do not know where to start.
My appearance doesn't match my upbringing, neither does my upbringing match my origins. I feel I'm just like a double bacon cheeseburger with extra pickles and onions , and a touch of spice. I do play with that, saying I'm African, or Asian or French, when I'm all three at once :)
It's always been very hard for me to be integrated, wherever I was. When I was young, I was thinking "why me?" and blaming others, when actually I was more the one to be blamed. I have to admit I didn't try sometimes hard enough, but you don't really want to try so hard , when others doesn't need to. I don't feel 100% one culture or another, so I couldn't really share the same experience with some people who weren't cross cultured. Although you can have some common topics with people, since you know a bit of different culture. That's why most of my best friends are cross cultural kids themselves, because we share the same worries, and the same experience. Some succeeded to overcome it, but most of the times we have the same question of our identity and about ourselves.
To solve this problem, I usually escape and run away from it and go to another country, expecting things would change, expecting that I would feel more integrated. But I do the same mistakes all over again. It's not about others, it's more about myself. If I don't find the peace in myself and accept who I am, then I would always have the feeling of being a reject and an alien.
I know that what I live, nobody else lived it, my life is mine and their lives are theirs. I am different, and this difference makes myself to be me.
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