Some choose to forget, some choose to dwell, me....

We often want second chances. Sometimes we don't deserve them. The feeling of regret and wishing for another chance is common when a couple separates. Whoever is at fault usually searches for sympathy as they have realized in hindsight their mistakes. Some choose to dwell, some choose to forget but me...

But me, when it happens, I am like the main character in this video. I choose to remember all, the good and the bad, and move on in life. It's part of life and it's part of the learning process of it. You might miss the person and regret, but you still need to move on. I choose to remember because those moments have been part of your life and of your mind I do not find it good to forget, because it is like rejecting a part of your life. You just need to move on. Only if you remember, wont you make the same mistake again, and that applies to everything in life as well.

Another great video from Wong Fu Productions, which made me think about that topic ;)

New Eyes

15 years. It's been 15 years since I started to wear glasses and I got rid of them for a moment, to replace them by contact lenses. What a surprise it was to not be limited by your specs. I could see left, right, up and down, without the image being blurred. I could look on the sides, without turning my head, but just turning my eyes. It feels like everything now is new and amazing. Even looking at those dirty roads and grey sky in London amazes me. This is how good it is. I also don't need to push my glasses up, when it falls down.

I remember that my brother was the first one to get glasses. And I have to say, I was jealous of him at that time. He had all the attention from my parents and he was going to have glasses, which were looking cool to me in my eyes. I wanted to have glasses as well, something that he had. So I remember I hoped I would got some. A few months later, or maybe a year later, my eyesight dropped and I could not see clearly and I was like "yes", finally it's my turn. How stupid was I at that moment? I wish I would never have to wear glasses. At least now, I can experience it from time to time.

Don't be afraid to cry...

I love those songs with Chester, Kevjumba and Nigahiga. This song is so true, speaking to us guys who are afraid to cry, because it is so unmanly. Although I don't want to go into too much details, but sometimes you just want to let the tears go, but you don't because you're a guy. It is especially embarrassing when you cry in front of other people. But it would be a real relief sometimes to shed a tear.



LYRICS


CHORUS:
Here it comes
Can't you see
That we're tough guys and we have feelings.
Take my hand
Close your eyes
With you right here
Imma shed a tear and cry
Don't be afraid to cry cry
You can still be a manly guy guy
Just cry.
Don't be afraid to cry cry
Let it free fall from your eyes eyes

VERSE 1:
Wake up see a sunrise
Let it free fall from your eyes.
Start my day and I read a sonnet
Got got a soft cheek with a tear on it.
Step out and the skies are clear
I'm a man and I have no fear.
Take a step and I land in crap.
I let it out, no holding back.

(CHORUS)

VERSE 2:
Baby we can go out on a first date.
But you come and pick me up half an hour late.
Girl I'm not gonna lie, that you almost made me cry,
But I'm a masculine man ill be ok.
Yeah, your place, toy story 3
the greatest all time kid's movie.
But I forgot, Andy leaves Woody,
And now the tears are coming right back over me.

What to do?

Today, I have been thinking about my future and where do I go from where I am now. I have finished university and I have started a job a bit more than two months ago. I like my job and I did not think that it would have been possible to find a work like that when I was in university. But now I was thinking where do I go, what will be the future for me in the long term. It's been 5 years since I have come into the UK, and maybe I am getting a little bit too comfortable. Maybe I need to go and live in another country someday, maybe in 2 or 3 years. Maybe I should go out of my comfort zone and do something a bit crazy or untypical for me and my personality. It's quite hard to know at the moment. Beside my job, I do not do much, because I am so drained and tired. But I  know that I should make a better use of my time. Maybe I am getting lazy or too comfortable as I said. London can really make people comfortable and numb sometimes.

I remember when I was in middle school and high school, back in France, I would always want to do something exciting. I would always be thinking that in the future, I would do something out of my comfort zone. My job still requires me to do all that, but beside my job and in the long term what do I want to do, and what can I do. There are still a lot of questions unanswered, and it is not too easy to answer them. I can choose the easy life, and choose to stay how I am, just living the way I am, being comfortable. But I can choose to prepare the future and start doing something that could lead to something exciting, which can be a little bit crazy and brings me some adrenaline. I could start thinking about a long term project that I have, or try to learn and hone my skills in a new area, in which I could be very good at it.

It is very interesting how, when you are in your early 20s, hard it is to know what you want to do. There are so much possiblities, but most people stay in their comfort and lose the possibilities that they have when they are at this young age in their life. Everything is still possible now. But one day, you might realise that you would like to do something else of your life,  and it might be too late. It might be that your body do not follow your soul anymore, it might be that you have a family or a job that you can't leave.

I would need to decide what to do, and choose what I can do and be very good and so good at that thing, that it could be an alternative to a comfortable life. Otherwise it might be too late, and you won't realise it because time flies. It's time to make a choice. Making choices will always close some doors but it will open others. Life is all about making choices.

Nice Guys finish last so...

This is a brillant music video from Nigahiga, Kevjumba and Chester.


LYRICS

CHORUS
Nice guys finish last,
That's why I'll treat you like trash,
It's not what I really wanna do.
But, you only date bad guys so,
I'll give it my best try to,
Treat you the way you want me to.

VERSE 1
I never open a door,
or pull out a chair.
You can tell me how your day was
but I don't really care.
And if you ever get cold,
you'll just have to hack it,
Cause I'd be cold too
If I gave you my jacket.
Like WHOA, you ain't sittin up front,
Front is for the homies you can sit in the trunk.
I never answer my phone,
Whenever you call it
And when the waiter brings the bill
I never reach for my wallet.

CHORUS

VERSE 2
And Ima BEAT you!
At every competition.
Going out with the girls
You better get my permission.
Wait no, i take that back, you can't go,
House is on tonight
And that's my favorite show!
Do I look fat in this dress?
Hell yeah you do!
Wait lemme speak your language
Cows go Moo!
Mooo Moooo Mooo MOOOO!

CHORUS

BRIDGE
But behind the scenes she means the world to me.
Wanna tell her that she's beautiful, and show her that she's loved.
Hold her hand when she's scared, tell her how much I care...
But that won't win her heart BECAUSE....

Nice guys finish last...

Just a Nice Guy

The videos below are from Wong Fu Productions. It tells about how it is like to be the "nice guy", which pretty much describes myself. After watching those, it was a real eye opener on the mistakes that I have made up until now. Being always nice is not always good. Knowing that would have saved me from many situations, but it is better to know it and change than never. I really liked the talk in the second part where Christine tells to the main character, Nick, about things that are wrong when you are a "nice guy". The best is to watch the story below:

Working Life

It's my fourth week now since I begun my job, and it's been real tough, especially the third week. The first two weeks, I was still amazed and had stars in my eyes about working. But the hardness of the job really hit me in my third week, where I had a lot of pressure to meet tight deadlines, meeting with the director to present my work. Things went up by one level or two now, I have to do my tasks more quick and more efficiently. Obviously, it is very hard for me at this point, because I am still in the learning process, so it's hard to translate what is being said to what has to be done. It requires a lateral thinking that I lack of at this point, but I work hard for it to bridge that gap. A lot of things are never told at university and you really can feel it during the work, but it is definitely interesting to see how things will go for me, hopefully for the better.

New Life

After 6 months of searching for a job, my quest finally ended. It was definitely hard and frustratring. Been through all kind of places in London, from the top of the Gherkhin to Mayfair, passing through small rooms in small places. I have been asked all sorts of crazy questions, assessments, tests. I have been through some ups but mostly downs. Now,I am very very happy to have found a work, in which I have interest. Let's see how this new journey will be for me. And this journey starts on Monday.

My name is Casper

Another day just passed, another day on the project. Every day is the same and I do not recall when did it start.

The first thing I do when I wake up is switching on my computer to check if anybody contacted me and expecting something interesting to happen. Every day same disappointment. I take my breakfast watching TV-shows, thinking how much the character's lives are so much more exciting than mine.

I need to go to library and do my project. On the way, taking a sandwich every time at the same place. The cashiers must think I must be a bland student too lazy to make his own sandwich. On the streets, people walk fast and seems busy, having an exciting lives, something to pursue. Always people trying to give you their magazines, that I always try to politely refused. The underground is always an interesting place. Once you enter it, people faces shut down and most keep quiet while on the tube. Nobody wants to talk to each other, everybody trying to keep his own little privacy. I observe always this with amusement.

In the library, sitting down in front of a computer, it seems my life is surrounded by computers all the time. I quickly look if anyone contacted me while on the way to library, reading the news and then start doing the research, programming. Every day same frustration, trial and errors is part of the research. Always need to rethink about the program, about my understanding of the mathematical concepts. Sometimes checking if anything new in my contact, but always the same disappointment, a disappointment worst than the one of the research. This continue until the library close.

Time for dinner, my only time of creativity where I cook what I want and experiment what I like , have seen or eaten before. After studying the papers and finishing my dinner, I go to the gym for an hour and a half. The only time I do not think about my miserable condition.

As you can see, at no point in the day have I interacted with anyone and opened my mouth at all. Sometimes this can last for several days. The project keeps me from doing things and it is a terrible feeling. I have become a ghost, no one would want to interact with a ghost...

"Why? Why we gotta die? I just wanna live forever"

Death is the finality of all of our lives, whether we like it or not. Some are quite happy about the idea of dying, because it can release us from our suffering and pain. Others are desperate and depressed about the idea that one day, we will no more belong to this world.

In my opinion, death is what push us to live and to achieve things. If time was not limited, we will not try to start doing anything of our lives, because most of us will choose the easy way and do nothing. Because there is a start, there is an end. Therefore everybody want to achieve something in their lives, to make it meaningful in many ways. We all want to think that our lives were worth it. So we all try to push ourselves to make things like travelling, meeting people, learning, working etc.

Death is one of the reasons that push us to do things and should not be seen as a fatality but as a reason to live.

An Ultimate point

I'm preparing myself to enter. Concentrating, and calming down myself, thinking about what should I do and where should I go. My heart is beating fast, the adrenaline is pumping up. Shouts are all around the place, and in the peace of my soul, I believe I can do something on the pitch.

I'm watching by the side my team playing to catch up one point before time ends, to go to sudden death. There are signs of nervousness on both side: dropped discs, uncontrolled throws, uncountable fouls called. My desire to get on the pitch is growing, but I need my team to catch up that one point. Only a few minutes left, and I don't want to leave this tournament without having done something memorable.

All the eyes of our substitutes, including myself, are looking towards our key player. He has saved us from so many situations in previous games. Amazing throws, heroic defence and catching unattainable discs, were the things he did, to name a few. Our eyes are full of hope, all knowing he can create something from nothing. Our hopes are not vain. Turnover in our favour, quick play, a hammer, he catches it in their end zone. Tension's smoothing away, but the game's not finished.

I can't wait to get in, eye contact with one of my partner, check with hand, and we exchange places. He says those words to me in the noise:"Go for it". I'm on the pitch now, in our end zone. Captain's saying his words of encouragement and our strategy on Defence and Offence. We keep it to what we know, nothing complicated , keep it simple and sharp. I'm jumping, moving around, watching my opposite. I have to mark one of their fast guy on the team, always tough in those case, because you know you won't have much time for rest, but a good way to progress in the game. Hands are up, let the point begins.

They're doing vertical stack, I'm trying to stay close to my man. He keeps jumping in place, hard to predict where he's going to go. He fakes me and go deep. I have to catch him up, hopefully, the thrower didn't see him. The opposite team, pass well the disc from one side to another, trying to make break our defense. It's been really hard to predict where my man will go, since he always choose different path, different speed and fakes. Turnover. Our defence on the handler was efficient, and we got the disc. Although I'm very tired after a whole weekend of Ultimate. I still feel like I can run miles and miles. I'm excited to play this point. I can see my man marking me closely, it would be hard to get away from him. I fake down and go forward. Unsuccessful, get back in the stack. I watch what my teammates do, and try not to run in the same way, or offer and continuation run to keep the disc moving. It's hard and tough. We advance well and we're close to the end zone. Then our captain throw one disc, eye contact with me, it's really far, I am far from my man, but it is really hard to reach it. I catch it from the bit of my hand. I think I'm still in, everybody seems happy and shouting. Foul called. They argue I'm out. Everyone is looking at me, it's hard to say, I'm not even sure myself, whether I was in when I caught it. For the benefit of the doubt, I agree with them that I was out. Although still some uncertainty, but I do not want to win like this. I want a good win, I win we can all be proud of. So back again on the field. There has been lot of turnovers, the other team hardly came on our end zone but we hardly managed to control our throws which led to a very long point. It's been 20 min already, and every body on the field is exhausted. No matter what will happen, we will all be winner. This point is clearly epic. Every one tries his best to run as fast as he can, but our legs lack of stamina and our arms are heavy. I've been trying a lot of going under and coming forward cut, but it is hard to go deep, since my marker watches me closely on that cut. It's been hard to mark him because he is very unpredictable as a cutter, hopefully the thrower didn't throw too much when I was beaten.

We now reach the same situation as our missed point, on the foul called. The same unreachable throw at the same area in the end zone, by our captain. He admitted lately that it was quite a crap throw. I see him doing eye contact to me , as I am free from my man. I try to reach it like last time, but try not too get out of the lines. I run as really fast as I can, and feel a bit of a cramp on my right legs. I catch it with only my fingers. Am i out? Am i in? Everybody comes to me, and put me in the air. An immense happiness get all of me. I don't know what to think or what to do. I'm just so excited and so happy. A big congratulation to everyone on the pitch, we finished 17/23 teams. We all felt like winner. I was happy to live this point more than the win itself, because I knew it could have gone either way. But the moment i caught it, is a moment I'll keep it with me.

Homeless..

Home (noun): the place where you live or where you feel that you belong....

"I born and grew up in France, my parents are from Mauritius and my origins are back from China." How many times did I repeat this? This is my answer when I'm asked where I am from. It is the best I have found, which let the other person to make his own idea. It is always complicated for me to explain , as myself do not know where to start.

My appearance doesn't match my upbringing, neither does my upbringing match my origins. I feel I'm just like a double bacon cheeseburger with extra pickles and onions , and a touch of spice. I do play with that, saying I'm African, or Asian or French, when I'm all three at once :)

It's always been very hard for me to be integrated, wherever I was. When I was young, I was thinking "why me?" and blaming others, when actually I was more the one to be blamed. I have to admit I didn't try sometimes hard enough, but you don't really want to try so hard , when others doesn't need to. I don't feel 100% one culture or another, so I couldn't really share the same experience with some people who weren't cross cultured. Although you can have some common topics with people, since you know a bit of different culture. That's why most of my best friends are cross cultural kids themselves, because we share the same worries, and the same experience. Some succeeded to overcome it, but most of the times we have the same question of our identity and about ourselves.

To solve this problem, I usually escape and run away from it and go to another country, expecting things would change, expecting that I would feel more integrated. But I do the same mistakes all over again. It's not about others, it's more about myself. If I don't find the peace in myself and accept who I am, then I would always have the feeling of being a reject and an alien.

I know that what I live, nobody else lived it, my life is mine and their lives are theirs. I am different, and this difference makes myself to be me.

Why Maths?

Why did I choose to study mathematics?
This is a question I still ask myself.
There are many other subjects much more interesting or useful, so why this one.

I don't have a big passion to the subject, as some people might have, but I still find it interesting. But again anything could be of interest for me, since I am a curious person eager to learn about everything and anything. It was certainly not my dream subject, I would have found much more interesting to study astrophysics or medicine than mathematics. I really was keen to study the science of the space, because I was always amazed when I was looking at Hubble's pictures or reading astronomy's magazines. Or I could have done a more useful subject like medicine, because I really wanted to help people and being a medic can really do so. So why maths?

An easy answer would be to say that I was good at it when I was in high school and before. This was true, but is not anymore. I found doing maths was easy before university, at least easier than some other subjects but this cannot be a reason good enough to choose to study that subject.

A possible reason would be because of the passion one of my friends had when we were in high school. Seeing him so passionate about maths, telling stories about the Riemann zeta function or the number 0, emulated my interest in the subject. I eventually would want to feel the same passion as his, which I tried to do by starting to make my own research on the subject. So I guess I can thanks him (or blame him) for getting me into the mathematics buzz. I still haven't reached the passion he has but I still have strong interest into it.

An event, that comforted me in my choice of choosing maths, was when I went to do an interview in front of business and finance professionals to be admitted in a business school in France. One of the interviewer asked me whether I had other options besides my application to that business school. I nodded and told him that I had offers to do a Bachelor in the UK in Maths and Finance. At my surprise, he encouraged me to do that course and not to come to his business school. He explained me that Financial maths would be very useful for a career in Finance and that there would be a high demand for people with those skills. When you are so young and a professional told you that, you start to believe him, so that's what I did.

I guess all those things had inclined me to decide to study maths. But the main reason was that mathematics is a subject that offers opportunities to do all kind of jobs. Since I still didn't know what I wanted to be in my life, I didn't want to be restricted to one job. I wanted to be able to still have a large choice to choose from. Although I cant be a doctor (apart if there's a mathematical formula to heal all patients in hospital), I still can do most jobs available on the markets. I still can be an astrophysicist or a more literary job, since I always think that you can be a journalist or a writer if you have the passion for it, no matter if you have the required qualification. Therefore being a graduate from a Mathematics degree doesn't stop me to be anything I want to be.

What I want is more to enjoy my life and really do what I really like and want. I don't have regret choosing Mathematics, although there might have been some better choice. But what is done is done and I have to live with it. As I said many doors can still be open to me, I just need the passion, the will and the work.

Life so far

So I always wanted to do this, and share about my thoughts and life. I wont start from when I was born because that would be too long and would takes ages for me to type it ( I dont have that much time to spare either).

So I'll just start from 5 months ago when I started my MSc in Maths and Finance.
Already one third of the Master so far, and all I can say is that it is tough and hard. I got some moments, when I lost myself, but on overall I am enjoying it. It changes a lot from my undergrad, which was pretty easy to be honest (apart the last 3 months, which was such a pain).

I learned many new skills like programming in C++ and having to work hard (haha) all the time and not being lazy.

I met lot of good people in my course and in uni, makes a couple of good friends. It is very enjoyable to learn from their experience, because they all come from different uni and had different life, some even worked. So I am have a lot to learn from them and hopefully they can learn from me(but I doubt so, I have so few experience to share).

I have settled myself now in London. It was not easy at first, because I was not used to take the transport everyday. It takes me about 40 mins to get to uni, so I have to get up pretty early, which I am really not used to. Very different than before when I was living just 10 mins away from my department ( that was a perfect ). London pretty oki, I guess. It's definitely more busy than Manchester, and my hometown. Lot of things going on like Musicals and other events and many museums, so many that it is always hard to choose what to do. So always end up doing not much haha. I havent got time to explore all London, because of work , but will do when I will have more time. Actually I would have hoped more things going on, but I guess that's how is European cities.

Apart from my study, I am learning Mandarin again and started Japanese. I found out it is quite useful when you want to understand conversations Chinese people are saying. I managed to helped an old lady in the tube with my Mandarin as well, so I am pretty proud of myself haha. I am still quite bad with characters, but I guess I can have simple conversation. Hopefully one day I could speak fluently.

And oh, I started again Ultimate. It has become the highlight of my typical week, which really shows how depressing is my life: "work work work hahaha ". It was such a torture not to play it for 1.5 years. I was getting good when I played in my first year, but multiple injuries stopped my progression. Otherwise I would have been a much better player. The team is friendly and have some good players. I participated for the first time regionals indoor and outdoor with the second team and loved it. We didnt do good , but it is so great to play against the best players of the south-east of UK. I never got that chance in Manchester, so that was a great experience. I learned a lot about the game and improved myself. Still need lot of improvement, but Im getting closer to the level I was 3 years ago. I hope I could still continue to play while working.

So that's a quick summary of what happened, so much more to tell but not much time. Will try better though.

So far life's good, although too much work and sometimes I would like it to be more exciting, but I guess that's postgrad life is. Laters.